Sneaking Up

 

It’s breathtaking the way grief slips up and tackles you, sometimes.

I’ll admit, I’m a slow processor. More so when life must go on, and nothing slows down, and the children’s needs must be tended. It’s easy, too easy, to put myself away and move into survival. I did that, nearly 3 years ago.

But the Spirit has been stirring and lids are getting ripped off of a variety of boxes I had packed up so neatly and stuck on the highest shelf in my heart, surely out of reach of anyone, even Him. After the initial shock of loss wore off, and the anger settled down (now I wonder, “settled where?”, and the numbness seemed to pass (has it, really? I don’t think so. If it had, why am I still so numb?), I slipped, necessarily it appeared at the time, into survival mode again. Looking back, I’m not too certain when that actually happened. I did not understand, still do not understand, and somewhere in that not understanding and kids needing to eat and bills needing paying and Neil coming into my life it all-who I was, who I am, what I felt, what I feared, everything-it had to go away to get through the days. Healing and raising children at the same time, with little help with the healing aspect and less with the children, don’t mix. I may be wrong about that, but I don’t think so.

Suddenly though, I find myself with a little me time, a window of “break”, and I feel my Lord tugging…we need to look at some things, love. I have been keeping Him at arm’s length in many ways also…thankfully, He is oh so very patient. There are a multitude of things He could choose to tug at, and there are a few He is. And you are one of them.

Our song came on the cd when I played it in the car, and Houston came back . And I am falling apart, all over again. It is a healing falling apart this time though, I think. I feel so still in my soul, waiting. I still question, did I hear Him, REALLY hear Him, about you? Was I simply a silly female, falling in ways I shouldn’t have, as we do? Yet He soothes my hair even as I write this and asks if I question everything about the last decade, all the times He led, all the ways He led….sometimes, yes. Mostly though, no. Doubt and ever present loss do make me wonder, I will not lie. A voice asks me, “If this were really Jehovah through all of this, would you still be living as you are? I thought He was to restore what was stolen, that’s what He says he does. Yet you just keep losing more. I don’t think you are actually hearing Him, I think you are hearing another lord and following that voice mistakenly”..

The lords of the past seek hard to enslave my children. Bastards have to fight the wounds they have received though for supremacy.

Though I may falter in my steps, never beyond Your reach….

No. It has not all been a lie I fell for. From that first moment You encountered me exiting my bedroom door, and asked if I wanted life to stay as it was, as so many do, and simply keep plodding until I die, or if I was willing to take Your hand and follow–but it was my choice…I have, with everything in me, tried to say I do daily. I mess up. I have missed You in things, and I have kept up with You in others. And I will continue to fumble along, chasing you like a kid down a rocky road, falling and scraping my knee at times, and waiting for You to pick me up and bring me along again. And I will never ‘be over’ you. I do not understand, I do not know what He has in mind, sometimes I do not even know if I believe or trust..but I will. And I will let the grief wash over me today, and accomplish what it needs to. I think the next week is going to be a wild ride. If you see this, you have an email.

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Where and How

Where and how does one start?
So much, so much…
the ins and outs of daily life
spill over, day by day
and keep coming
Sons in pain
but at that age
where to acknowledge
is to admit weakness
so wrong choices are made
you cannot hide
your heart will out you.
The pain and grief
they show themselves
in choices made
that go against
all you have been taught.
But love, Love, wins
will woo you back
with strength and softness
soothe your heart
with gentle caress
that reaches the depths of your soul.

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Life Happens

It’s been awhile, and so much happens in a day I don’t know that I’ll ever catch up here, but I can begin again. I don’t remember if I had purchased my new computer the last post or two or no, I’ve been learning Windows 8.1, and actually rather liking it. I guess I’m weird, from all I heard about it before.

It’s odd to me how I find myself, still, running from writing. I’m not a very good runner, not in real life at all, and not much better in matters of the heart. Time spent musing over this has resulted in some observations of why. I can’t do fake anymore. I can’t pretend all is perfect, or even approaching it, when it’s not. Life is messy, has been messy, and if experience is any teacher, will continue to be so. And I don’t know yet exactly how to balance putting my mess out there, in the hopes of giving someone else hope, with my ingrained, inescapable belief that some things are holy, even the messy things, and are not to be held, or shared, lightly. Considering much of it also includes my children, now young men all, wrestling with and running from their own messes, makes it even more difficult.

But I cannot escape the urge to write. And I no longer have an excuse not to, as I have a computer again. So….look out

CSA, part 1

It’s amazing how things can still kick the air out of your lungs, even after decades have passed. After you’ve been working on healing for a decade (well, almost). After you are back to “living a normal life”, whatever that is apart from putting on the mask day after day because you are, after all, an adult, and have responsibilities to tend to.

I haven’t had a television for years, decades actually. I’ve never been a big T.V. fan, though I do have the shows I like (NCIS, namely) and occasionally watch when I get the chance, or the DVD box set. I’m not familiar with Josh Dugger, although I have heard of the family with 19 kids. I’m still not clear if he’s one of them, or the dad of the tribe. Honestly, to me that doesn’t matter. Apparently, he’s been outed for molesting children. This article was on a friend’s page on FB and showed up in my newsfeed this morning-“In Faith Communities…

Oh how accurate! I read another, that I can’t seem to find again, talking about how his “confession” has silenced the victims via charges of unforgiveness.

My first reaction? I wanted to put a boot, hard, in his face. After finding my breath again, I prefer Jesus’ idea–tie a millstone around his neck and drop him in the sea. There isn’t another sin, btw, that He was so vehement about. Only hurting children, only causing them to stumble. I have found no place else, no other thing mentioned, where He states that it would have been better for the perp not to have been born. Apparently, God takes child abuse seriously. Would to God we would.

I left the evangelical church because of the position taken on the subject of abuse. I do not think it is all evangelical churches, but it has been nearly all that I have encountered in my life. This is not something that you simply say “I forgive”, or go to an alter and say some words, or have hands laid on you, and it goes away. I am NOT espousing bitterness. Bitterness only keeps the victim in the position OF victim, keeping one from moving on to Survivor. Ms. Demuth hit the proverbial nail on the head, however. Forgiveness, healing from such deep wounds, wounds that tear your soul from you and shred it, takes time. Much time. It takes being given a voice, without judgement. It takes learning and knowing that what happened Matters, your pain is real and to be expected, and not something to deny or hide or pretend never happened. Such things do not stay under rugs well. If it is not faced in time, when one is able to, it will leak out into other areas of life. Bad decisions, self sabotage, hurtful relationships…I have done them all, and more.

I pray that there are ones trained who can help these young ones through the violent explosions in their souls that I know from experience are going on. I pray for Justice to be done, that Mr. Dugger feels the full weight of law. There is something wrong with a society that will give more prison time for having a joint in your pocket than for ripping the soul from another human and violating their very being. I don’t know what the laws are there….hopefully, they are harsher and stricter and more enforceable than in the states I have dealt with this crime in, where the perp has walked, every time, without even a smack on the hand. No matter what the laws are here though, there is One Who is Just, and whom all perps will have to stand before and give account of their actions. I can now almost pity them, knowing He is the One Who has stated “better to have not been born”. I don’t know what that translates to in divine justice, but I do believe they will, finally, understand the seriousness of the crime they committed.

If you have been there also, my thoughts and prayers are with you. There are those who care, who understand. For my child who has been there, one perp I could get some charges against, the other talked his way out of it as always…I am here, always, when you are ready. These things cannot be rushed, but also don’t try to sweep it away. You will know when it’s time to talk, and you are brave and strong enough to do so.

For those who are ready, I highly recommend Dan Allendar’s book, “The Wounded Heart”. It is the most painful thing I have ever read…and the most helpful.

I have a feeling I’m going to be coming back to this soon, hence the part 1 title.

Happy Dance

I have a computer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will refrain from running that exclamation point on endlessly. Yes, I’m slightly excited/happy/elated. It feels like oxygen for my soul. Good God, now I can write again!!!

Now all I have to do is remember how this particular theme works, how the new posting page works, being it is not offering me the different types of posts that come with this theme, and figure out how to post things like poetry, where I don’t want it skipping spaces between every line. Yay!!!!!!!!

Rending

Sometimes, there is just too much pain.

Birds leave nests, but not this way. It’s not supposed to be *this* way.

The advice gets old.

No, I am NOT going to just accept that they are going to be like their narcissistic, psychopathic sire and “let them go”. Not when he’s spent their entire lives systematically attempting to destroy them…and doing too damned good of a job, even from a distance. Now, when he’s followed, hunted, and plays with their minds and twists and turns things into ways that should be obvious, and are, to those outside who care enough to look closely…but they can’t see, because like me they grew up with that and it is to them normal.

Regret is a needle in my neck, Skillet sings. That’s a good way to put it.

I thought five states away would get the point across. I didn’t know, didn’t realize, how the mental sickness works.

We aren’t people, we’re possessions that got up and ran away and now must be punished. I swear he lives to see them destroyed.

Those in authority who could do something though, can’t or won’t see. I understand they are too overworked, understaffed, underfunded, unappreciated. I understand that day in and day out they deal with liars and accusations and people trying to hurt each other through the legal system.

That still doesn’t, to me, justify the fact that a psychopath can bamboozle them and go home and continue to abuse, because in public he’s the gentlest, calmest man who could never hurt a fly.

Marie Noe murdered eight children and got away with it for nearly 50 years for the same reason. She could never hurt a fly.

The system is broke. I gave up a loooong time ago on the system. They are too busy chasing down kids playing in a park to save the one locked in it’s room without food. This world is evil and broken.

Statistics say they don’t stand a chance.

Damn the statistics.

There may not be justice here for all of the corruption. There IS a Justice though that can not be fooled, and will not be mocked.

Lord, it is to You that I appeal. You know. You care. And You alone can heal these wounds. Yes, You use others…sometimes people, sometimes art or music or nature or all of the above. You see us, the deep places inside. You pursued me. For 36 years You waited, patient, saving as we went along and at the right time…

Father, Son, Spirit…at the right time, catch them. Heal, redeem, save. For they are Yours, even more than they are mine.

*happy dancing like a mad woman*

Goodness gracious. I felt like a duck out of water without means to write, esp once I had decided this is the year to do so! Thank the Lord and thank my wonderful boyfriend, who managed to save everything on the hard drive that I thought was lost, and fix what was wrong and get it going again. I feel like a kid in a candy store….OK, ok, I’ll stop now *VBG*